63 replies to this topic

[jahloon]

Well it does look like some of our readers are in need of spiritual guidance, and as I once wrote an agony column for a technical magazine, thought I might start that same service again here.

So come on luvvies, what's troubling you?

[gazmungus]

What's troubling me?

people keep sending me emails to tell me that my cock is too small......

I mean, the woman that works down our local shop knows that she has a huge fat ass - and yet, she doesn't seem to like to be told about it either.....




Dear Auntie Jeff, what can I do about these bastards?

[Kai]

What's troubling me?

people keep sending me emails to tell me that my cock is too small......

I mean, the woman that works down our local shop knows that she has a huge fat ass - and yet, she doesn't seem to like to be told about it either.....




Dear Auntie Jeff, what can I do about these bastards?

You could forward them all the "stock tips" spam I get along with their spam (which is about half 'n' half "iz yur pEn1z 2 smal" and boner pill ads)

[Newbie Brad]

Dear Auntie Jeff,
What can I do? When I am on the phone with underlings of nascent neighbobs lately I get a lot of attitude for no apparent reason. On those few occasions when I cannot maintain decorum and use The Dark Side Of The Force voice with them I feel bad about mself (I retired in part so I could stop using The Force on nitwits.) What can I do? (PS Also about young people, young people seem to feel I need to be taken care of lately, it's disquieting? Help?) NB

[jahloon]

What's troubling me?

people keep sending me emails to tell me that my cock is too small......

I mean, the woman that works down our local shop knows that she has a huge fat ass - and yet, she doesn't seem to like to be told about it either.....




Dear Auntie Jeff, what can I do about these bastards?

Dear Corky,

It could actually be that your cock is too small. Though I cannot imagine how so many people have found out this very private fact.

You can restore your self esteem by taking a photograph of your old man (not your father, silly boy, your dong, sorry ding) and then using a very useful program called photoshop to enlarge said member, then e-mail back all those people. Won't they be surprised!

I cannot help the lard arse lady you mentioned as there most likeley isn't the capacity on Windows 95 to cope with large images.

Bless.

[jahloon]

Dear Auntie Jeff,
What can I do? When I am on the phone with underlings of nascent neighbobs lately I get a lot of attitude for no apparent reason. On those few occasions when I cannot maintain decorum and use The Dark Side Of The Force voice with them I feel bad about mself (I retired in part so I could stop using The Force on nitwits.) What can I do? (PS Also about young people, young people seem to feel I need to be taken care of lately, it's disquieting? Help?) NB

I think perhaps the reason for their attitude is your mask and long black flowing cloak.

I recommend dismembering them and announcing that you are their Father.

As for being taken care of, well you did retire... take up a hobby, gassing badgers or needlepoint.

[gazmungus]

DEAR AUNTIE...

Having trouble concerntrating on things these days as I keep finding most amusing things on the internet rather than working on my sight reading, and scales....

Just today I found this:-

http://www.buzzhumor...Fart_Soundboard


(just listen to the first few then check out the "commodetion" near bottom left....)




Damn now i can't get anything done...


Help me please auntie!!!!!


bollocks.

[Chilly Willy]

http://www.buzzhumor...Fart_Soundboard

You made my day!!!!

[Monosynapsis]

Dear Aunty Jeff,

I have recently lent my PR consulting services to the Chinese Olympic Comitee: they've been worried about all that negative press they've been getting these days and I advised them to instruct all chinese officials to implement this technique during the games and as you can see the Beijing Police Force is already training hard to master this subtle skill. I am confident that this joyful display of good natured humor will be more than enough to win over even Chinas staunchest critics.

However, I am worried that come cultures might find this offensive. Is that so ? Please help!

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[jahloon]

Having trouble concerntrating on things these days as I keep finding most amusing things on the internet rather than working on my sight reading, and scales....
http://www.buzzhumor...Fart_Soundboard

Dear Corky,

You obsession with all things anal would be worrying in a normal person but given that there are videos going around the net of you performing air biscuits on a whoppie cushion, a cure might be in sight.

Go online and purchase the "MIDI to Fart" converter, that way you can play scales and amuse yourself at the same time.

[jahloon]

Dear Aunty Jeff,

I have recently lent my PR consulting services to the Chinese Olympic Comitee: they've been worried about all that negative press they've been getting these days and I advised them to instruct all chinese officials to implement this technique during the games and as you can see the Beijing Police Force is already training hard to master this subtle skill. I am confident that this joyful display of good natured humor will be more than enough to win over even Chinas staunchest critics.

However, I am worried that come cultures might find this offensive. Is that so ? Please help!

Dear Monosodium,

Well you have bitten off a bit more than Yu-Can-Chu.

I presume that in the picture their eyes are closed because they are attempting synchronised trouser guffs. No wonder they are not too keen on touring with that olympic flame.

I recommend you distance yourself from the COC (Chinese Olympic Commitee) and embark on a Glutimate diet.

Aunty

[Newbie Brad]

Dear Auntie Jeff,
Being the debunker-in-charge at http://www.snopes.com and http://www.truthorfiction.com/ has its moments but is very wearying. Where can I find someone appropriate to take over?
Signed,
Weary
PS There is a rumor that you are working with "other multi-talented artists to create a sound that is uplifting and full of positive energy" ?

[gazmungus]

So come on luvvies, what's troubling you?

Please help my ears with all of these out of tune fretless guitarists!

I refer the right honourable gentleman to the link I gave earlier....

ffffffrrrrrrbbbbbbb!!!!

Quack!

[jahloon]

Dear Auntie Jeff,
Being the debunker-in-charge at http://www.snopes.com and http://www.truthorfiction.com/ has its moments but is very wearying. Where can I find someone appropriate to take over?
Signed,
Weary
PS There is a rumor that you are working with "other multi-talented artists to create a sound that is uplifting and full of positive energy" ?

My, My Newbie,

You have been a busy boy!

All I can say is to stay away from those nasty internet sites, they can can blur your eyesight and lead to unneccesary kleenex traumas. Your parents may be able to point you towards more Godly pursuits.

I recommend a six week sabatical watching beach volleyball, or long term endurance topless trampolining.

But don't despair, an uplifting experience (and I dont mean the top heavy trampolining nuns of the sisterhood of the lost sports bra) is on its way.

Bless you,

Aunty