63 replies to this topic

[jahloon]

Dear Aunty,
Its a bit embarrasing, but I have chronic flatulence.
I'm constantly breaking wind, and while I can usually let loose silently, I often inadvertantly blow off without warning.
I've recently met a really nice girl, and am due to meet her parents next Saturday, can you recommend anything?
Rob
PS I've tried a cork, but after a few hours the pressure finally blows it free, in the last instance causing severe psychological damage to my parrot, who spent a considerable amount of time unsuccesfully trying to imitate the noise.

How does you're girl feel about this?
Does she mind your gassy bottomfoolery?
Or have haven't you yet introduced her to your flatulence? May I (with aunties endorsement) recommend the dutch oven for this, as in stuffing her head under the bed clothes and let rip.
If she enjoys this, and is maybe a wee bit aroused - then this could pave the way forward for other types of bumfum such as rimming and dirty sanchez.
But beware, girlfarts are at least 300% more unbearable.
Personally I think you should blow off directly at your knew in laws - giving yourself marks out of 10 for odour, longevity and substance - they'd at least respect you for your honesty.....
And if you really want to make a good impression, then sneak into their laundry basket and steel a pair of her mothers dirty panties - if she gets all high almighty about your flatulence, then you can produce evidence of hers by way of her filthy skid marks.
Thought I'd help auntie

Now Corky,

Its all very well trying to help Aunty, but without the correct training you could cause young Rob severe psychological damage.

Not to mention the possibility of arrest (Mother-In-Law Act 1949, section 2b; used smalls and underwear, pilfery and misuse) encounters with the law, and a community sentance.

Do be more careful.

Aunty

[jahloon]

Dear Aunty,

not long ago a Moroccan friend of mine wanted to test my english in asking me about the translation of "khanouna", which is the Moroccan arabic word for that stuff we collect in our noses by the act of, well, nose picking.

To my great embarassment, I couldn't find the correct term. 'Popel' in German, 'Neuzebeest' in NL. But neither the bloody french nor the brits seem to have a word for such a prosaic yet important matter! Please help!

Well Mr Glutinate,

We do have a word, SNOT, and my Shorter Oxford English Dictionary tells me it is late Medieval English, and the coagulation of such into the bogey or booger, can be said to be a snotter.

Aunty

[jahloon]

Dear Aunty,

My household seems to be being plagued by a boggart:

"Boggart, a household spirit which causes things to disappear, milk to sour, and dogs to go lame"

What should I do?

Regards,

Humphrey

Humph old bean,

How can you have been so irresponsible to allow your abode to be haunted by one of the lesser demons?

Get straight off to church and get a priest to exorcise the house. (Remove small children, esp. boys first.)

Then, in future, keep your milk in the fridge. (That's the big white thing in the kitchen.)

Aunty

PS and stop kicking the dog

[rob]

Dear Wondering Rob,

Perhaps Gary should take up the ways of Donald Bousted.

Aunty

Dear Aunty,

I know that we should be focusing on my issues. But, I feel that we may be nearing a breakthrough concerning one of our other members. So. I am compelled to ask another question about our friend.

Maybe he could become the Norwegian Microtonal Forest Pixie?

Warmly signed.
Concerned

[jahloon]

Dear Wondering Rob,
Perhaps Gary should take up the ways of Donald Bousted.
Aunty

Dear Aunty,
I know that we should be focusing on my issues. But, I feel that we may be nearing a breakthrough concerning one of our other members. So. I am compelled to ask another question about our friend.
Maybe he could become the Norwegian Microtonal Forest Pixie?
Warmly signed.
Concerned

Dear concerned Rob,

Gary should indeed re-evaluate his ways, and perhaps becoming Corky the Caucasian Microtonal Forest Sprite might earn him a place in heaven.

Bless all you Pixies.

Aunty

[gazmungus]

Now Corky,

Its all very well trying to help Aunty, but without the correct training you could cause young Rob severe psychological damage.

Not to mention the possibility of arrest (Mother-In-Law Act 1949, section 2b; used smalls and underwear, pilfery and misuse) encounters with the law, and a community sentance.

Do be more careful.

Aunty

Isn't there the bollocks act which basically states that any use of underpants, skidmarks, mother in law, arrest and psychological damage are a most essential part of this section of the forum?

And isn't there a clause which states that anyone stupid enough to take advice from this sewer is simply begging to get the piss taken out of them?




Wouldn't he be exempt from the mother in law act as he's not strictly married yet? Or does it come into play after the first exchange of bodily fluids or first trip to IKEA with new girl?

Has she got big knockers, Rob?

[rob]

Has she got big knockers, Rob?

How else is she going to know when to let someone in?

[gazmungus]

Has she got big knockers, Rob?

How else is she going to know when to let someone in?

GROAN!



All this talk about what gary should do - gary's beginning to get worried about his current incarnation!!!!!

I actually picked my trumpet up for the 1st time in 5 years over the weekend - I kind of miss it, and I hate losing skills but that ship has sailed

[jahloon]

Isn't there the bollocks act which basically states that any use of underpants, skidmarks, mother in law, arrest and psychological damage are a most essential part of this section of the forum?

And isn't there a clause which states that anyone stupid enough to take advice from this sewer is simply begging to get the piss taken out of them?

Wouldn't he be exempt from the mother in law act as he's not strictly married yet? Or does it come into play after the first exchange of bodily fluids or first trip to IKEA with new girl?

Has she got big knockers, Rob?

For the sheer quality of that reply, I hereby rename this section "Total Bollocks" God Bless her, and all who sail in her!

[rob]

...All this talk about what gary should do - gary's beginning to get worried about his current incarnation!!!!! I actually picked my trumpet up for the 1st time in 5 years over the weekend - I kind of miss it, and I hate losing skills but that ship has sailed

Your current self is fine by me. I was just thinking that the world could use a good 19TET jazz trumpet player.
I hate losing skills too. Still, skills once learned come back much faster than the first time round.

GROAN!

I know. But, I had to say it . I couldn't stop myself.

[gazmungus]

For the sheer quality of that reply, I hereby rename this section "Total Bollocks" God Bless her, and all who sail in her!

Hail total bollocks - the old name is back!!!!



I'm glad to see I'm keeping the quality up.....

[jahloon]

For the sheer quality of that reply, I hereby rename this section "Total Bollocks" God Bless her, and all who sail in her!

Hail total bollocks - the old name is back!!!!



I'm glad to see I'm keeping the quality up.....

Well it had got a bit sad, but a quick dust down with a wet copy of Asian Babes seems to have done the trick.

[gazmungus]

Your current self is fine by me. I was just thinking that the world could use a good 19TET jazz trumpet player.
I hate losing skills too. Still, skills once learned come back much faster than the first time round.

Phew! Beginning to worry there!

It's funny you should mention the trumpet as I pulled mine out whilst having a clear out....

19tet shouldn't be that much of a problem on a standard trumpet, I mean, even with my old neglected flabby lip I can still convincingly hit a quartertone - besides that's one reason for having the 3rd finger ring. On cornets, you more often than not get levers to adjust valves 1-3....

Bit of careful practise and ear training, don't think it would be too difficult - at worst not impossible...

But even if you did/could play 19tet on a standard trumpet no-one would believe you, most wouldn't even believe you if you stood on front of them and did it......


Aunty...?

My farts seem to have a certain carrot and turpentine odour to them?

What could this be? I haven't been anywhere near either of them since my rehab.

flatulence gazza....

[jahloon]

It's funny you should mention the trumpet as I pulled mine out whilst having a clear out....

Missus!

Aunty...?

My farts seem to have a certain carrot and turpentine odour to them?

What could this be? I haven't been anywhere near either of them since my rehab.

flatulence gazza....

Corky, Corky, Corky,

Carrot and turpentine guffs are almost certainly caused by a diet of your home made Vindaloo slimming cake (the one that caused my food mixer to burst into flames) chased down by methylated spirits.

Once you've created these bacteria, they are very hard to shift, I recommend champagne enaemas and a loo brush.

Aunty

PS Carrots turn up everywhere, esp. if you haven't eaten any. They even sneak their pointy way into Cornish pasties.

[rob]

... a certain carrot and turpentine odour to them?

I thought that it must be the inner wood sprite trying to get out.