[gazmungus]

jahloon, on Jun 15 2009, 10:24 PM, said:

Bizarre, when did Keth Richards start to laugh like Tommy Cooper?

Tommy Cooper, now that'll cheer me up!

I'm of to youtubby to find some class comedy...


I cudn't watch the whole vid there, but the real Keef is a far more hilarious parody of his own self....

(Cue the old joke about Keef single handedly solving the entire north american drug problem. By taking them all.)

[jahloon]

corcoran, on Jun 16 2009, 05:59 AM, said:

Tommy Cooper, now that'll cheer me up!

I went into a resteraunt and ordered lobster.

When it arrived it only had one claw.

"Waiter! This lobsters only got one claw."

"Sorry Sir, its been in a fight."

"Then bring me the winner."

[gazmungus]

jahloon, on Jun 16 2009, 11:49 AM, said:

corcoran, on Jun 16 2009, 05:59 AM, said:

Tommy Cooper, now that'll cheer me up!

I went into a resteraunt and ordered lobster.

When it arrived it only had one claw.

"Waiter! This lobsters only got one claw."

"Sorry Sir, its been in a fight."

"Then bring me the winner."

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

[Kai]

corcoran, on Jun 16 2009, 10:50 AM, said:

jahloon, on Jun 16 2009, 11:49 AM, said:

corcoran, on Jun 16 2009, 05:59 AM, said:

Tommy Cooper, now that'll cheer me up!

I went into a resteraunt and ordered lobster.

When it arrived it only had one claw.

"Waiter! This lobsters only got one claw."

"Sorry Sir, its been in a fight."

"Then bring me the winner."

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

That sounds like Rodney Dangerfield...

[rob]

Kai, on Jun 16 2009, 04:15 PM, said:

That sounds like Rodney Dangerfield...

Or Henny Youngman.

"My wife says, I wanna go on a vacation. Take me some place I never been before."

"So, I took her to the kitchen."

[jahloon]

Les Dawson:

Doctor, I need some sleeping pills for the wife.

Why?

She's woken up.

[gazmungus]

jahloon, on Jun 16 2009, 07:03 PM, said:

Les Dawson:

Doctor, I need some sleeping pills for the wife.

Why?

She's woken up.

More Les:-

Had to take the Mother in law on our honeymoon with us, cause I couldn't bare to kiss her goodbye...


We'll be rattling the dishcloths of the angry helmet haired munting retro-feminists if we're not careful....

Doesn't unfretted come under some uk equality law now? That we have to become two thirds female/gay/lesbian/ethnic minority or transgender ladybump toting hermaphrodite equal rights disablement activists or they'll come and castrate everyone involved?



I blame polar bears.

And wind farms.....

[Kai]

rob, on Jun 16 2009, 12:21 PM, said:

Kai, on Jun 16 2009, 04:15 PM, said:

That sounds like Rodney Dangerfield...

Or Henny Youngman.

"My wife says, I wanna go on a vacation. Take me some place I never been before."

"So, I took her to the kitchen."

Yeah, he was great. One of the best of the Borscht Belt. (The wiki has a Dangerfield joke I've never heard!) His long-suffering husband schtick would never pass muster with the helmet-haired either.

[rob]

Kai, on Jun 16 2009, 08:34 PM, said:

Borscht Belt. (The wiki has a Dangerfield joke I've never heard!) His long-suffering husband schtick would never pass muster with the helmet-haired either.

I hadn't heard of the Borscht Bely before. That's an impressive list of comics. I hadn't seen two of the Dangerfield jokes. Major funny. But hey, Back to School is one of my favorite movies.

I'm going to have to YouTube Les Dawson tonight.

[jahloon]

Redd Foxx:

A Madame opens the brothel door and there is this guy standing there, both his arms in plaster, both his legs in plaster.

She says "What the hell do you want?"

He says "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

[Chilly Willy]

Do you have a drink problem? Yes, I can’t afford it.

Prevent hangovers - stay drunk.

During sex a woman may eat or read so that she, too, can gain some sort of pleasure.

[gazmungus]

Why do fat women stink?

So blind people can hate them too.

Bill and Ben the flowerpot men were sat in the bath, Bill goes "Flobalobalobalob" and Ben says - "if you love me you'll swallow that......"

And finally, one from Lord Bernard....

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin' - you've told her twice already...

[Chilly Willy]

GUIDE TO TELLING WHEN FOODSTUFFS ARE SPOILT

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, its probably off.

MEAT: If opening the fridge door causes stray animals from a three mile radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE: Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the plate without using JIF (or CIF as its now known!)

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of … carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie into a knot like a shoelace is not fresh.

WINE: Should not taste like salad dressing.

NACHO DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, its gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept for longer than the average human lifespan.

corcoran, on Jun 17 2009, 04:51 PM, said:

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin' - you've told her twice already...

Assertiveness is useless in a relationship where people stopped listening to each other long ago. Good old-fashioned punch-ups are the only answer.

[rob]

Redd Foxx was great.

That's classic one-liner structure.

In wandering around the Brit comedy related videos on youtube, I kept coming across more music comedy acts. I propose a movement that next year, the UK re-revives Freddie Starr and send's him to Eurovision. It's a perfect fit.

jahloon, on Jun 17 2009, 06:56 AM, said:

Redd Foxx:

A Madame opens the brothel door and there is this guy standing there, both his arms in plaster, both his legs in plaster.

She says "What the hell do you want?"

He says "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

[rob]

Oh yeah, I can't understand a fuckin' word Tommy Cooper says!