[jahloon]

Well I thought I'd shift the threads around, seemed like a good idea, with the inventiveness of Gazza we should be able to write our own opera - or at the very least hitch a panto together.

Here is the seed that started it all......

I like "Year of the Unfretted",
but what about a film "Village of the Unfretted" ? - Villager

So would it be a horror/splatter flick staring Jeff 'the whopper' Baritone as he spectacularly violates, slashes, bashes and hacks at the notoriously evil Doctor 'Equal' Temperence with his enormous tight bottomed extra lengthened weapon? Or even a cinderella knock off with someone running around with a glass fretboard trying to find the guitar that it fits - after the amplifier had turned into a pumpkin at the village rock festival of course.... - Gaz


I like that, we'll need Emre's glass fingerboard - no one will ever guess it fits the banana! Meanwhile the Vicar's locked the ugly sisters in the church hall and has started playing them his collection of Barry Manilow records. - Villager


So we give you "Village of the Unfretted" a continouous soap opera, started in Jest and continued in desperation.

[jahloon]

VILLAGE OF THE UNFRETTED

It is close to dusk in the Village and the midsummer fete is coming to a close.

The sound of a disintegrating tea party muffles its way from the green to the village hall.

The Vicar greets the Villager as he unloads his entertainment boxes, which smell of leatherette and rubber. Quietly he plants the stage with his strange devices.

Back at the school part time gynacology teacher Gazza fiddles with his double bass. He has notions, you know.

In the pub, the landlord has refused Jahloon any more beer and is in the process of steering him towards the door when an inspector from the equal temperance society arrives with a warrant.

The postman, yes his name is Pat, pockets another package from stringbusters and crosses the road to avoid the policeman who is interrogating a backpacker called MAV suspected of trafficking atonal substances and paraphinalia.

Hidden high in the old oak tree, a sniper draws a bead on a familiar face.

TBC (to be continued) by ?

[gazmungus]

Oh shit, I had no intention of contributing to this - sorry if it's crap..


Meanwhile, back at the village hall, the local village bobby* (the fuzz!) bursts in and screams..
"Is this one of your lot"? presenting MAV to the Villager and co. who by this time was getting very sweaty due to the nature of the leatherette and the latex aroma......

Gazza then ponders his notions after being fired from the gynacology school for suggesting that women can sometimes become irrational and irritable when they're on the blob*...
He considers going back to his usual day jobs of stripping at the old folk's home and recording karaoke backing tracks of Wurzels songs.......

After a brief struggle with the equal temperence inspector - ejecting him unceremoniosly from the premesis, our hero (the pub landlord of course), finally gives in and allows Jeff one more complimentary snakebite* for the frog*, which Jeff dutifully embraces, chewing on the cocktail umbrella.......

The Equal Temperence Inspector or ETI, sits outside all alone on the pavement by the pub with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp and hatches his cunning plan - now those harmonically untethered bastards are going to GET IT!...
He gives his special signal to the sniper, who in turn gives a knowing nod to Pat the Postie - together they'll insure all the world (or at least the village) will become REFRETTED.........


*glossary of terms:-

on the blob, menstruation
bobby, policeman
snakebite, strong lager +cider cocktail
the frog, 'frog and toad' = road in cockney rhyming slang

[gazmungus]

Meanwhile Jeff staggers out the back door in the general direction of home (right back in the front door?) and violently unleashes the contents of his stomach (a half cooked out of date microwave chicken vindaloo pasty) onto the doorstep of the village idiot's refretting service .....
"Refret that ya bashtards", he chunders...

_
gaz

[jahloon]

corcoran, on Jan 9 2005, 01:24 PM, said:

Meanwhile, back at the village hall, the local village bobby* (the fuzz!) bursts in and screams..
"Is this one of your lot"? presenting MAV to the Villager and co. who by this time was getting very sweaty due to the nature of the leatherette and the latex aroma......

The Villager stood up, brushed the dandruff from his shoulder and said "If he's on the list of artists, yes"

This brought a gleam to the old bobby's eye, "Well we are holding him on suspicion of being an American."

"Its not illegal to be American" said Villager.

"Not yet, I'll grant you, but it is illegal to come over here playing music without a reciprical music work permit." gloated the bobby.

"MAV doesn't play music, you can't hold him on that charge." piped up Bahreed, Villager's drummer. "And what's that smell of bananas?"

"Ah Yes, we confiscated those, on their way to forensics" said bobby.

Just then, a shot rang out.

[gazmungus]

whoops dat was my post - sorry.....

[Villager]

Guest, on Jan 10 2005, 08:44 AM, said:

It seems the unfretted cause has a masked crusader - and the evil equal temperence inspector, the postman and the sniper, have a brave new foe......

Blimey, said Villager, What kind of a pussy joke is that? Good job the Vicar wasn't wearing his moccasins, they'll take some cleaning though.

Bahreed was mumbling incoherently when something happened that silenced them all. The microtonal sounds of a freely tuned flute could be heard.

The bobby looked up and said, I'd recognise that anywhere - its a Swanee whistle.

Jahloon appeared at the door, paler than usual, and declared, I think I know who did it, that dark evil fiend, THE WHISTLER...

[jahloon]

Villager, on Jan 10 2005, 09:52 AM, said:

Jahloon appeared at the door, paler than usual, and declared, I think I know who did it, that dark evil fiend, THE WHISTLER...

"Well that's entirely your fault" said Villager.

"how do you make that out?" - jeff

"Well you didn't invite him to the festival" - V

"look its a fretless festival, fretless guitar, not a hoedown for swanee whistles" - j

"Its microtonal, and its a whisltle without frets, it practically qualifies" - V

"not in a month of Sundays, its the thin end of the wedge, swanee's one day and some bugger with a kazoo the next. You'll open the floodgates, there will be musical saws and the rest." -j

"Oh no, don't tell me you didn't invite Musical Saw Man." -V

"Ermm...forgot." - j

[Newbie Brad]

You need an enigmatic eight foot tall white bunny who mutters "Nothing but neck".

[gazmungus]

jahloon, on Jan 10 2005, 01:17 PM, said:

"Oh no, don't tell me you didn't invite Musical Saw Man." -V

"Ermm...forgot." - j

The policeman turns to MAV and tuts disaprovingly

"Enough or these free wailing atonal shenanogans - let's proceed with the full body search" he boomed....

"I know you have more bananas somewhere, come along now, pants down, there's a good boy......."

"I can see you're concealing something - you're buttocks are like two tennis balls wedged in a vice". he continued

then a strange, haunting theremin like wailing wafted throught the hall like a bad cheesey fart......





and no-one noticed the 8 foot tall bunny outside the broken window

"nothing but neck" he muttered

[Newbie Brad]

You are a short-order Pynchon!

[jahloon]

corcoran, on Jan 10 2005, 03:19 PM, said:

then a strange, haunting theremin like wailing wafted throught the hall like a bad cheesey fart......

"Sounds like Theremin Boy made it" said Jeff

Villager turned round, sniffing the air, "His self hygene hasn't improved any."

"Is there any chance we can have MAV for the soundcheck?" Jeff asked the bobby, "Not a chance mate, I got him on a charge of harbouring fruit internally, sub section 3, unpeeled."

To add to the mayhem the Landlord of the pub burst through the dorrs and exclaimed "Its Betty, Betty the barmaid", "Betty the buxom barmaid from Bournemouth?" asked Jeff, "Yes, Betty the buxom barmaid from Bournemouth with the big bottom." Jeff extrapolates "Never, Betty the buxom barmaid from Bournemouth with the big bottom and the bouncy boobies?" then the landlord came over all grim "Aye, Betty the buxom barmaid from Bournemouth with the big bottom etc. Someone has sawn her completely in half"

"What!" said the Bobby "Sawn her apart in the middle like a magician would?" no said the Landlord "From top to bottom like the bloke that does the cows"

"She's been Damiened?" said Jeff

"Worse" said the Landlord "One half's missing!"

Nobody saw the bunny licking his blood stained lips.

[transient]

jahloon, on Jan 10 2005, 06:25 PM, said:

Nobody saw the bunny licking his blood stained lips.

"Nothing but neck", the bunny muttered again. Like a regular enigmatic eight foot tall bunny, he had baritone ears, looking at which you would rightly guess that this bunny doesn't have a flabby bottom. "Flabby bottoms!" the bunny muttered, he hated 'em. That was why he had eaten Betty in the first place...and well, she looked tasty. Not so tasty, but tasty enough to eat the half of her.

The bunny was well aware that he had to get out of the village before the villagers found the other half of Betty. What he wasn't aware of was, the other half of Betty was looking for him...

[jahloon]

Magical musical saws are hard to come by, Musical Saw Man knew this. And to saw a lady in half and reconstitute her is a neat trick, which can be done quite easily with a Magic Musical Saw, but not if an eight foot high rabbit has eaten one of the halves. So the second half, or was it the first? hops around looking for its mirror image, and the beast that consumed it hops around avoiding it.