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Aunty Jeff


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#16 Guest_Guest_Rob_*_*

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Posted 18 April 2008 - 07:27 PM

Dear Aunty,

Its a bit embarrasing, but I have chronic flatulence.

I'm constantly breaking wind, and while I can usually let loose silently, I often inadvertantly blow off without warning.

I've recently met a really nice girl, and am due to meet her parents next Saturday, can you recommend anything?

Rob

PS I've tried a cork, but after a few hours the pressure finally blows it free, in the last instance causing severe psychological damage to my parrot, who spent a considerable amount of time unsuccesfully trying to imitate the noise.

#17 Kai

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Posted 18 April 2008 - 07:58 PM

my parrot, who spent a considerable amount of time unsuccesfully trying to imitate the noise.


And if he keeps trying he'll soon be an ex-parrot. :ranting:
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench - a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side..." - Hunter S. Thompson
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#18 rob

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 03:07 AM

Dear Uncle Aunty J,

I can't decide, 19 or 24?

All the best,
Confused

#19 Monosynapsis

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 07:08 AM

:ranting:

This thread cracks me up!
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#20 jahloon

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 07:20 AM

Dear Uncle Aunty J,I can't decide, 19 or 24?All the best,Confused

Young Rob, Start with 19, then 31, and back to 24.

Aunty.
Play the blues guitar with your soul, but play the fretless guitar with your spirit.
Author of the book "Fretless Guitar The Definitive Guide" fretlessguitar.co.uk

#21 jahloon

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 07:35 AM

Dear Aunty,

Its a bit embarrasing, but I have chronic flatulence.

I'm constantly breaking wind, and while I can usually let loose silently, I often inadvertantly blow off without warning.

I've recently met a really nice girl, and am due to meet her parents next Saturday, can you recommend anything?

Rob

PS I've tried a cork, but after a few hours the pressure finally blows it free, in the last instance causing severe psychological damage to my parrot, who spent a considerable amount of time unsuccesfully trying to imitate the noise.

Aunty,

Well you will need drastic action before next Saturday.

May I recommend J L Bragg's medicinal charcoal tablets the activated charcoal attracts all that nasty gas and you can make it through the visit without embarrassment.

One word of warning: DO NOT EAT BEANS prior to afternoon tea on Saturday. There is every chance you will fart and fill the room with soot.

Good luck!
Play the blues guitar with your soul, but play the fretless guitar with your spirit.
Author of the book "Fretless Guitar The Definitive Guide" fretlessguitar.co.uk

#22 jahloon

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 08:07 AM

:ranting:

This thread cracks me up!

Well, its a cold shower for you, and a rub down with a loofer,.
Play the blues guitar with your soul, but play the fretless guitar with your spirit.
Author of the book "Fretless Guitar The Definitive Guide" fretlessguitar.co.uk

#23 gazmungus

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 08:27 AM

Dear Aunty,

Its a bit embarrasing, but I have chronic flatulence.

I'm constantly breaking wind, and while I can usually let loose silently, I often inadvertantly blow off without warning.

I've recently met a really nice girl, and am due to meet her parents next Saturday, can you recommend anything?

Rob

PS I've tried a cork, but after a few hours the pressure finally blows it free, in the last instance causing severe psychological damage to my parrot, who spent a considerable amount of time unsuccesfully trying to imitate the noise.


How does you're girl feel about this?

Does she mind your gassy bottomfoolery?

Or have haven't you yet introduced her to your flatulence? May I (with aunties endorsement) recommend the dutch oven for this, as in stuffing her head under the bed clothes and let rip.

If she enjoys this, and is maybe a wee bit aroused - then this could pave the way forward for other types of bumfum such as rimming and dirty sanchez.

But beware, girlfarts are at least 300% more unbearable.


Personally I think you should blow off directly at your knew in laws - giving yourself marks out of 10 for odour, longevity and substance - they'd at least respect you for your honesty.....

And if you really want to make a good impression, then sneak into their laundry basket and steel a pair of her mothers dirty panties - if she gets all high almighty about your flatulence, then you can produce evidence of hers by way of her filthy skid marks.


Thought I'd help auntie

:ranting:
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#24 Monosynapsis

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 10:08 AM

Dear Aunty,

not long ago a Moroccan friend of mine wanted to test my english in asking me about the translation of "khanouna", which is the Moroccan arabic word for that stuff we collect in our noses by the act of, well, nose picking.

To my great embarassment, I couldn't find the correct term. 'Popel' in German, 'Neuzebeest' in NL. But neither the bloody french nor the brits seem to have a word for such a prosaic yet important matter! Please help!
The one who has just eaten does the hungry not believe.

#25 gazmungus

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 11:00 AM

bogie!

?
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#26 Monosynapsis

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 11:10 AM

bogie!

?



Bogie
you say ?

Geez, you're pulling mighty beasts out of your nose Gary!
The one who has just eaten does the hungry not believe.

#27 gazmungus

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 11:41 AM

:D

here's the merkin version:-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Booger


Happy chewing!!
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#28 Kai

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Posted 19 April 2008 - 01:07 PM

Dear Aunty,

My household seems to be being plagued by a boggart:

"Boggart, a household spirit which causes things to disappear, milk to sour, and dogs to go lame"

What should I do?

Regards,

Humphrey
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench - a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side..." - Hunter S. Thompson
C# Orchestra on Soundcloud

#29 rob

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Posted 20 April 2008 - 08:12 AM

Dear Uncle Aunty J,I can't decide, 19 or 24?All the best,Confused

Young Rob, Start with 19, then 31, and back to 24.

Aunty.


19 it is then. But then, should gazza take up this?

Yours sincerely,
Wondering

#30 jahloon

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Posted 20 April 2008 - 10:31 AM

Dear Uncle Aunty J,I can't decide, 19 or 24?All the best,Confused

Young Rob, Start with 19, then 31, and back to 24.

Aunty.


19 it is then. But then, should gazza take up this?

Yours sincerely,
Wondering

Dear Wondering Rob,

Perhaps Gary should take up the ways of Donald Bousted.

Aunty
Play the blues guitar with your soul, but play the fretless guitar with your spirit.
Author of the book "Fretless Guitar The Definitive Guide" fretlessguitar.co.uk




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